Monday, July 21, 2008

Yes, I'm Still Here

I just feel kind of blah...I don't know why but I feel like I'm missing something. You know, that feeling you get when there's something really obvious out there and you keep overlooking it again and again. Part of it is that I am constantly tired - no matter how much sleep I get - if I close my eyes for a few seconds I could so easily take a really long nap. I've always loved sleeping and have required a lot of it, but I think this fall asleep at the drop of a hat thing is a little too much right now. I also have been having a few bouts with vertigo - nothing that would impair my day to day stuff, but enough to probably need to go get it checked out. Anyway, these things combine to give me limited cognitive ability - I feel like it takes me quite a long time to make obvious connections or to remember what I was saying. I think I've had too many pregnancies and its zapped my brain cells. No matter - like I said, I can still function in society and its nothing really new - it just makes me feel worn out. It's like my friend Tammy said to me one time when she was struggling with words to complete her conversations, "Oh Jessie, I wish you knew me in college, I used to be so witty and smart, really I did."

I have also been getting sucked into the anxious motherhood game again too. I succumb to that state of mind a lot easier the more tired I am - so its not surprising that I am dealing with it right now. I can continue to be calm, laid back and content as long as I live in my little bubble and focus on the family tasks before me. But when I hear or see what other kids are accomplishing and what other moms are doing with said kids, it gives way to self-doubt and misplaced priorities within me. So then it becomes a vicious cycle. I feel bad that I am not doing what other moms are doing and then I feel bad for letting myself get sucked into the "competition" side of motherhood.

Anyway, enough of that, and now for something completely different, Isaiah was baptized last night. It was very exciting to see but a little anti-climatic believe it or not. Both Steven and Isaiah were a bit nervous, even in front of just our family and a few friends - they just don't enjoy being put on the spot. So it was very quick and definitely not the dove descending from heaven type experience, but was sweet and innocent and after having some of the conversations I have had with Isaiah the past week, it was sincere - which is all that matters! We had all of the immediate family there and one family of close friends. Kudos to my brother and sister-in-law for driving all that way with no air conditioning in their van to spend the evening with all of us.

The boys have returned from a weekend with grandma, so there is always an interesting grandma detox program after such long stays...but really, their attitudes have seemed to survive this visit more so than previous ones and are pretty good - guess they're growing up. Blah...growing up, that just shouldn't be allowed - or maybe it should - cause that's where all the adventures come from. We would get pretty bored if the gang around here stayed the same all the time. Well off to start the day with my sleepy cognitive limitations :o)

1 comment:

~Melissa~ said...

Congratulations on the baptisim. I'm going through a lot of the same feelings that you are having lately. Sending you good vibes!